Over-Thinking

1/ I think I’m rundown. And my proof of this lies in the three ulcers that are currently pestering inside my mouth. Not to mention the patch of cold sore that has so glaringly appeared on my upper lip. I’m tired, moody and lack any semblance of energy. And I don’t know why. I’m eating well – salads, vegetables and plenty of fruit – and I’m not staying out as much as I used to. But it seems that my recent run of good health was very short lived. I’m looking forward to this year ending; in fact, I can’t wait for it to be over. I can’t ever recall having such terrible string of illnesses before, even during the year when I suffered through migraines and eventually had to have surgery for sinusitis. Even with hospitalisation and the after-surgery experiences, it hadn’t been such an ordeal as the one I’m now going through. Someone please tell me which god I should go offer a virgin sacrifice to?

2/ I think I’ve reached that stage where I can no longer consider myself as part of the youth. This dawned on me while I was at my brother’s Halloween Party when I completely felt out of place amongst his friends that were about 5 to 10 years younger than I am. In-jokes and familiarity aside, they all seemed to have their own way of speaking which I couldn’t quite grasp and their level of conversation seemed to be one that isn’t quite on my wavelength. I felt silly for being there – in spite of my gorgeous sexed-up winged costume – and aside from spending time with my sibling and a chance to dress up, I wondered why I attended in the first place.

3/ I think I need to change jobs soon. The place I’m working at now has become filled with passive in-fighting and bitchiness the likes that one might see exclusively in reality TV shows starring starving models and wannabe celebrities. Much of what we cultivated – the openness and close relationships – amongst staff seemed to have turned in on itself and everyone seems to have something terrible to say about someone else. I try to stay away from it all but inevitably some shit will fly and stick. Worse still is that the perpetrators for the undercurrent of negativity hovering over the place are colleagues I consider as close friends. Yet, I feel hesitant to say anything lest I cause more problems. The result hasn’t been good for my psyche as I feel that work has turned me into a vessel of indifference, in a sea of pessimism. If only I can use my middle finger as cannons.

4/ I think this weekend will be an opportunity for me to close chapters in my life I have left open-ended for too long. I’m attending the wedding of a high school friend, a gathering where much of the guests in attendance will be people I haven’t seen close to a decade. It’ll be a good reunion to see how everyone has moved on since high school days and to find out if people are much the same or much different to how they used to be. There’ll be one person in particular whom I’m anxious to see since we parted ways in the most acrimonious fashion where hurtful words were exchanged and a high school length’s worth of friendship were quickly broken. I’m hoping ten years is a long enough time for things to heal and for people to move on, but then again, sometimes it’s barely the beginning. Either way, I’m hoping for an ending.

And to think, I'll have this god-awful ugly cold sore on my lip.