Vincent & Ben

Writing for a magazine has taught me to be conscious of my intended audience and how to pitch the story without due bias or influence. I have learnt this from the numerous negative feedbacks I've received whenever I've been a little too opinionated about certain issues that some readers feel they have a better understanding of. One such topic is 'coming out'.

Below is the article I wrote with the help of two friends, a couple who have been together for a decade and yet are largely still in the closet. I've been careful when writing and editing this piece that I don't portray their 'choice' to be neither good nor bad. I'm hoping this will be published as a feature article for a future issue.

For now, you can read it in its entirety.

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Vincent*, 40, and Ben*, 45, are a couple who have been together for more than 10 years. Aside from a handful of people, both are still in the closet with their sexuality and relationship, even from their families. Vincent and Ben talk about forging and navigating the complexities of their special kind of relationship.

How did you meet?
Vincent: Ben was one of the support staff at a personal development course I took. The relationship developed as I began talking about my personal life; the past, the present and the future. Ben started sharing his stories with me too. There was such a relaxed and comfortable sense when being with each other: lots of laughter, good conversation, and a lightness that seemed “right”. Ben and I seemed like friends from long ago, yet we had only just met. I guess it’s that inner knowing that this relationship was meant to be. When the course ended, we kept in touch and started seeing each other on a regular basis.

Was it a conscious decision to “stay in the closet”?
Ben: I suppose it was not completely intended to be “in the closet”. But as time went on, it became harder to tell friends and colleagues since we had not been up front from the start. It seems to not be an issue for us with newer acquaintances and friends, and we enjoy the freedom experienced when with them. So the embarrassing side with older friends is not so much that “I am gay”, but rather, “I neglected to tell you I was gay all these years later after a seeming open/honest relationship”. I suppose I should just get over it! Concerning family, well, it’s awkward since they live in another country (I’m an immigrant here). And they have voiced their views openly. I just can’t be bothered with having to justify myself to them. They haven’t asked. If they did, I’m quite certain I would be honest.

How does this affect your relationship?
V: There were lots of lies involved. There was a time that we had to use different addresses even though we were already living together. There was also a time when I had to think of changing my superannuation beneficiary because my superannuation company did not recognise same sex relationships. Also sometimes I envy other couples who can show their affection towards each other publicly and without minding the people around them. These are challenges and complexities, but I think there is also a healthy side to our relationship as we give 100% focus to one another when we are alone.
B: I suppose the lies become difficult when trying to remember who knows and who doesn’t. Then there’s the possibility of being “found out” – though I’ll deal with it when it happens and probably be relieved. So you probably wonder, “why not just get it over with?” There’s a major block which needs counselling. Shame? Catholic guilt? I don’t know…

Do you think that those who aren’t supposed to know already do?
V: My mum thinks Ben is my best friend; an older brother! I don’t think she needs to know. But I do think that my sisters know already though we don’t talk about it. I think they are okay about it as they like Ben. As for Ben’s family, I only exist as his housemate; they don’t even know my name! I keep joking with Ben that I will have a big problem when he dies as I will have to explain to his family why I am crying at his wake and funeral!
B: Interesting that Vincent thinks I’m going to die first! Anyway, my family is on the other side of the world, and don’t seem too interested in my personal life. So it just doesn’t come up. A lot of friends just seem to know even if we don’t say it outright, and is seems okay. I’m not fussed one way or another. My work colleagues are different. Because I never mention much about my personal life, they assume I am straight, and after all these years, it seems awkward to have to “set them straight”.

What changes have you noticed in other people’s attitude towards your relationship and sexuality over the course of time?
V: Since only a handful knows, I haven’t really noticed “other people”. But I have noticed a change in our attitude towards our relationship. We are somehow freer and more relaxed as we start to have friends who know about our relationship. Before, we had a completely separate set of friends.
B: People who know us genuinely like us (what’s not to like?!), so I can not imagine they would think less of us. Well, I say that about the people I particularly care about, and the others who may have a problem, it’s their loss. I suppose it’s when it comes to family… That’s a hard one and I’m not sure what would happen. That’s sad, isn’t it?

What do you envisage in the future for you as a couple?
V: We are not planning to get married and not planning to have kids. Everything‘s fine. Just pay the mortgage. Maybe more holidays, including a cruise! But generally, just enjoy life.

*Names changed.