Work Load

Have you ever masturbated in public?

I realise it’s a strange question to ask, not to mention incredibly personal, but I’m curious to know just how many of you guys out there are doing it. The reason I ask this is because of what had happened a few weeks ago at work. I walked in on a client rubbing one off in our gym change rooms. I guess he was whipping up a post-workout protein shake.

I don’t know who was more in shock; he, for the wank interrupted, or me, for the weird way I saw him pleasure himself. Two-handed, one palm opposite to the other, like he was wringing out a dish cloth. It was a strange technique I’ve never seen before. At least the boy was blessed with a two-fist full of manhood.

Speaking to a friend online, I asked him the same question. To my surprise, he admitted that he, too, has done it. And at work, no less.

Apparently, at times when he finds himself alone in the office late evenings, he points his dick over to the ‘Guys With iPhones’ website and go double-clicking. I’d hate to see the state of his mouse.

So, isn’t he worried about getting caught?

“No, not at all,” he says nonchalantly. “We’re only a small office and I can look down the hall to see if anyone is coming.” What, apart from him? He didn't laugh; I guess the joke went over.

So, why do it?

“Why not? After a stressful day at work, a guy needs some release. And this is the best kind I know of. Besides, it’s healthier than, say, drinking alcohol or smoking a joint.” He has a point. “Have you done it?”

Have I done it? No. Will I do it? Not sure.

Masturbation, in general, is something that I find uncomfortable admitting to doing. Not sure why exactly, I guess you can blame my Catholic upbringing; spilling seeds, brimstones and such. So, the thought of pulling off anywhere but the comforts of my own bedroom/bathroom/toilet/garage makes me feel less inclined for some self-sexy time.

So, am I missing out?

“It’s exciting,” continues my friend. “The thought of getting caught is part of the thrill. I’ve had some of my best orgasms right here at my desk.” Well, at least no one can say he doesn’t do anything in the office. But has he done it anywhere else?

“I tried but it wasn’t the same. I even got caught once. And she didn’t look impressed. You wouldn’t think a nun could swear like that.” A nun? I didn’t dare ask. “So, no. I’ll just stick to work.”

So, will you ever stop? Surely, this is something you can get fired from.

“It might be, but you know what, if masturbating in my office is wrong, I don’t ever want to be right.”

Right.

Gay Ol' Time!

One of the things I didn’t expect about being gay is the terrible lack of ceremony. Think about it. Our straight counterparts have engagements, weddings and even baby showers, but for those of us who live the “alternative” lifestyle, there really isn’t much to look forward to. Or at all.

Sure, there are birthdays—the ubiquitous equaliser—and these days I guess some lucky gays are now also able to celebrate their marriages, even births of their kids, but for the majority of us single homosexuals, what do we have? Not even a ‘coming out’ party.

Having been privy to the growth of their relationship, I’ve been present in all of my sister and brother-in-law’s ceremonies.

I was there for their engagement (a house party) and at both of their two weddings (first an intimate civil ceremony and then a lavish extravaganza event overseas). I was even there for my sister’s hen’s night (a male revue show – that was loads of fun). Then afterwards, there was the baby shower and when he was born, my nephew’s christening.

In all of these events, I was there; present and in most cases, even helped organise. And each time, I was amazed by the amount of people who came to celebrate my sister and brother-in-law’s momentous life occasions. The love and support was palpable.

It made me think of the disparity we, as gays, further experience when not following these “traditional” paths. Why can’t we, too, mark these kinds of occasions? Why can’t we rejoice in the same way? What are we really missing out?

Certainly at times I have felt a little jealous; most especially when my sister and brother-in-law celebrated their vows in the presence of hundreds (and I mean HUNDREDS) of people. It was a massive statement about their love for one another that they were allowed to make. That was when I really felt I understood the most basic argument that is pushing the fight for gay marriage: the equality in recognition and validation. That it should be a statement allowed to be made by all, regardless of sexuality. I mean, that’s only fair. Isn’t it?

But in any case, this post wasn’t meant to be about my stance on a subject that others have already contributed thousands of words to.

No, all I really wanted to share is the fact that in spite of not being able to celebrate the kind of ceremonies my sister and brother-in-law have had the privilege to, there are still momentous occasions that I can rejoice in.

My upcoming 30th birthday is one of these.

I’m planning a party and today, I’ve booked the venue and the date. It’s still about six weeks away but already I’m excited. Not for being able to make any kind of statement (because there's none to make, except getting older) but because for the very first time in years, I’ll be able to gather all those who are dear to me and share with them my very own special occasion. And of course, purely and simply, to have a gay ol’ time!

Suck Face No More

Earlier this week, I spent a butt-numbing three hours to see a doctor who's been helping me over the last few weeks. Normally, I wouldn’t waste so much time waiting to see someone (my regular doctor is usually available within 15 minutes) but this GP came highly recommended. He’s the third opinion on the recent bout of illness I’ve been having. The reason I went to see him this time was to get the results of my blood test, which he’d ordered to find out what’s been making me overly tired and sickly, on top of the strange stomach problems (I’m just a bundle of bad health and hypochondria).

Anyway, as it turns out, I'm a vampire. I guess with all that sucking and nighttime proclivities, it was bound to happen. I'm surprised it didn't happen sooner.

But seriously, the diagnosis was this: I have a severe deficiency of vitamin D. The normal range for most people is between 70 to 360. Mine came back hovering just above 10. Apparently, this pretty much explains the lethargy, weakness, aches and pains, and mood swings I’ve been feeling. Sadly, it doesn’t explain why I’m still single and sexless. But that’s a whole other kind of vitamin D deficiency.

His prescription was simple: get out in the sun at least 10 minutes a day to maintain levels and take a vitamin D tablet to bring me up to normal range.

So that’s exactly what I’ve been doing in the last few days. It’s amazing what a world of difference a few minutes bathe in sunlight does to you. I’m sure you know what I mean. Instantly you feel refreshed, happy and alive. And to think that’s it just out there--and free! It’s a pity that most of us fail take the time to do this even once in a while, what with desk-bound jobs and errands that need doing.

So there you have it. My ordeal for this week. Not too bad a result really. I mean, for all the things that you can find, I guess low vitamin D levels is the least terrible you can ask for. It’s easily fixed with a pill, not life-threatening and what’s more, an excuse to be outside and away from the drudgery of the indoors.

The only thing is, now I guess there goes my starring role in the next Twilight movie. And I was so looking forward to sucking face with Mr Pointy.

No big loss. I hear he's quite the stinker.

I Really Have Nothing To Add To This But...

...OUCH!

Clueless

Friday. AM. Work.

Client: Hello.
Me: Hi.
Client: I saw your photo on Facebook.
Me: Yeah? Which one?
Client: The one in your undies. They were blue.
Me: Oh. That one.
Client: I have the same ones, you know. The undies.
Me: Really?
Client: Yes. Except mine are pink.

*pause*

Me: So, shall we get started with your workout?

* * *

Saturday. PM. Bar.

Me: Hi.
Bartender: Hey. Can I get you something?
Me: Yeah. A beer?
Bartender: Would you like to try an Asahi?
Me: Sure.
Bartender: It's my favourite.
Me: I know this place that has them during happy hour.
Bartender: Yeah? Where?
Me: A bar. In the city.
Bartender: I'd love to go there sometime.

*pause*

Me: Sure. I can give you the address.

* * *

Sunday. PM. Friend's House.

Friend: What's been happening with you?
Me: Not much.
Friend: Seeing anybody?
Me: No.
Friend: I really don't understand how you can still be single.

*pause*

Me: Yeah. Me neither.