Almost There

I've just read the last six month's back-catalogue of posts on my other "real" blog and felt a quiet stir of emotions.

In fact, amidst the varying posts that swung wildly from poignant and sincere to total fluff and nonsense (was I on drugs or something then?), I started to question why I ever stopped? Was there ever, in reality, the need to disappear, or was it all just in my head? I seriously wondered whether I made a big deal out of nothing.

But then, I get an anonymous comment like this:

"I agree your writing has been a bit stale for awhile, and a break might do you the world of good. I was about to applaud your brave decision! Or were you just fishing for compliments?"

I admit that I get very insecure and defensive when subjected to criticism and feedback that seems unwarranted and not wholly transparent, but that's because I'm fiercely proud of what I write and of what I've written. Maybe I'm just a little too over-protective, maybe I'm not as enlightened as I'd like to believe.

A fellow blogger and friend asked me recently what it felt like to blog on a smaller scale? "To be able to count your readers on one hand", as he puts it. My answer: an irrational sense of relief. It took a little while to find it but I eventually worked out the balance between the need to post that I previously constantly felt to the whim of just posting when I wanted to. Here, I feel something that is assertive and welcoming.

Still, without sounding like a self-absorbed wanker, I've been quietly impressed to read what I've written on the "real" blog. I've loved the challenges that it has presented - antagonistic nameless comments included - as well as the evolution that my creativity has taken because of it. I catch myself every time wondering how I've ever been capable of such words, turns of phrase, and expressed sentiments. A big deal for an immigrant who didn't learn how to write nor speak English fluently until the age of eleven.

Anyway, enough of my ego-stroking platitudes. I just wanted to let you know that part of what quietly stirred within was also a tempered sense of excitement...

I'm almost ready to go back.