Loose Lips And Ships

I have a blog that I've been writing for years, and I guess you can say that it's pretty popular. But right now, it's the last thing I want to be associated with.

The reason? Nothing dramatic or drastic. Just that after being involved with it for so long, I suddenly find myself feeling overwhelmed by the whole thing. I know it's a little weird and I'm not sure exactly how it all came about but as of this moment, I want to be as far away from it as possible.

Part of the reason is that far too many people who read my blog know me personally, and that limits what I can write and express honestly. It used to be that I wouldn't have the need to censure myself, but lately, that's exactly what I've been doing. It's like going to see a counsellor for your childhood issues and the one sitting in the chair is your mother.

The other reason is the constant need to "perform". To come up with something insightful and unique that would impress readers and generate those feedback and comments. Because after a while, you establish a readership that has expectations and needs, and they will be very vocal if you're not up to task. It's too much pressure that's not good for either morale or sanity. And don't say that it's stupid because if you're a blogger, then you know what I'm talking about.

Which leads me, I guess, to the number one main reason as I can best articulate it. I started hating where my blog was heading. Reading my latest posts, it felt cynical, jaded and pessimistic. As a reflection of who I am, I found that scary since in person, I'm usually carefree and laid-back. Hate to think that deep down I'm as neurotic and wrought with worry as say, caffeine-addict Tweek from South Park.

Hence why I've decided to stop blogging. In fact, I mentioned on there that I would be taking an indefinite leave, not knowing when I'd return. But the relief lasted all of half the day before I started questioning whether I'd done the right thing. Don't get me wrong, though, I'm still pretty sincere with those sentiments, it's just that I have this need to write. It's like an itch that needs scratching. Badly.

And that's the reason for my relapse, and for this "secret" blog. It's my addiction... and therapy.

Just a couple of things that you need to know first.

One, I'm gay. A homosexual, a queer , a poof and yes, even a fag. I don't have any issues about being gay since I've been out longer than I can remember. Nor am I dealing with anything like internalised homophobia, coming out blues or any other problems with my sexuality. I'm fine, thanks. But at the same time, I'm not a militant poof nor a political queer shouting from the rooftops about how proud I am to be gay. I'm just a regular guy who happens to like other guys. Period.

Two, I'm usually not the type to be so secretive but I'm going to be doing the Anonymous thing with this blog. Trust me, that's far removed to what I'm usually like. I'm normally quite open and honest and most probably to a fault. I'm still discreet, don't get me wrong, but in my other blog, I've written in detail about quite intimate things about myself, my family, my sexuality, my sex life and everything else in between that's happened to me. The result is that too many people know too many things, which has led to some problems. So, I hope you'll understand if I'm a little vague with the details.

So, with all that I guess this is where you'll find me writing for a little while. How long exactly? Not sure. I guess until this secret blog serves its purpose and I'm ready again to resume my real blog persona.

In the mean time, though, just call me Joshua.