Duped

It really is quite pathetic and juvenile to admit, but part of the reason why I've decided to stop writing on my other blog and start a secret one has to do with a boy.

Tommy is a fellow blogger who I met through a friend, Nico. Both are avid blog readers of mine. Partly due to synchronicity and with some help from Nico, Tommy and I ended up meeting one late evening. We hit it off straight away and it seemed real easy. There were quite a few things that I liked about Tommy right from the start. He was funny, for one, sarcastic in the way that I was and the way I found appealing. He was cute and smart, but more importantly, he seemed genuine. Now, I would be lying if I didn't say I felt an instant attraction to him - and sensed that he felt the same.

I often fuck up potential relationships by being way too eager. I either scare the other person away or I get bored too soon from the lack of reciprocation. So, I made a conscious decision to approach this budding relationship with some caution and to take things slowly. At the start, it seemed to work. We enjoyed each other's company without worrying about how or where things were going. A natural progression. But somehow, between holding hands in a pub one Sunday to not seeing each other until the next, something happened that derailed the whole thing. Tommy didn't think that we were going to work. He had a lightning bolt moment midweek and felt that we'd developed a friendship instead. It was a shame, according to him, since he really liked me. Found me very attractive even. I didn't feel like saying otherwise, as I kinda felt the same, so I agreed.

I confided in Nico, not so much to find out what Tommy had said to him or the real reason if there was one, but mostly to talk things out. Even though I said it was ok, I felt confused from Tommy's lack of coherent reasoning and deep down, I also felt completely dumped by him. Nico was attentive and reassuring but I sensed that he, too, was holding something back. I decided to leave things be since it would have felt it low if I made Nico tell me what he did know and betray Tommy's trust.

Several weeks later and things take an interesting turn. Having promised to keep up our friendship, Tommy's contact had become irregular while I find myself spending more time with Nico. Neither say anything about the fact that all the while, Tommy had began a relationship with Jim, another blogger and someone I've recently gotten to know. In fact, it was Jim who mentioned it to me casually, over the internet no less. I didn't know what to say, and it was all I could do not to send a barrage of abusive messages to both Nico and Tommy.

Tommy has every right to be involved with someone and I don't have any to tell him otherwise. Nor does he need to let me know when he does. But I feel pretty pissed all the same. Angry, in fact. Why is that? Why do I feel like I've been duped and spurned? Is it because despite of my well-meaning intentions, I still got fucked over? I can just imagine Nico and Tommy laughing their heads off when talking about the whole thing.

I'm starting to think that, especially when it comes to relationships, gay guys are more screwed up than the straight ones. Me included.